I always find it sad, but I have an extreme distaste for a large portion of my generation. We are so selfish and self centered, and when there are the few like myself who know what it is to live in the true reality of our world we are misunderstood and mistreated. It hurts and makes us seem cold. We come across as rude or bitchy because we have already learned the value of honesty and what it means to really lose things we once held dear.

I breaks my heart that in order to actually see my friends, these people that I do cherish and love, there much be a promise of alcohol or "getting shitty". That isn't my style. I have never felt the need the way they have. I would so rather goof off or relax and have real conversations with them. There is just a difference between my friends when they are sober and my friends when they are intoxicated. Honestly, I'm not a big fan of them intoxicated. Every now and then fine, cool, but for the year of 2013 I have seem my friends much more often intoxicated than not. I love them and I do not want to lose them, but I cannot keep having the same relationship with them.

Last night was one of my close friends birthday parties that was held at my apartment. It was cool at first, and then as more people began to arrive it got progressively worse for me to try and control. By midnight it was starting to really stress me out. So when I got a call bringing very bad news I was done. Completely 100% done. I had to walk from one end of my apartment to the other through the mass of all my friends with tears streaming down my face. Two of them noticed and came to see what was so wrong. Just two. One other gave me an amazing hug and I know him possibly the least out of anyone. He didn't even know what was wrong but he gave me a hug, the kind of hug the reminds you there is indeed still some good in this world.

I calmed down and rejoined the party. Not one single person said a thing to me, besides the two who had been helping me.

Why would/have done so much more for them when they are too focused on what is immediately most beneficial for them? How can they be so very selfish? How can they be so happy and content with their empty life style?

Fighter

How? How on earth do some people get handed fucking everything on a silver shiny platter? How are those people ever going to learn a good work ethic? Why do people who never really work hard for anything just get things?

That shit doesn't happen to people like me. People like me fight tooth and nail for everything. People like me have to learn patience because we know that life will never work like that for us. People like me get branded a bitch, mean, cold, and closed off. There is a reason we are this way. There is a reason too that you can't understand why we are this way. We have suffered. We have suffered at the hand of others time and time again, often with no other choice. Then if we do have a choice, how much do we have to lose to achieve the things we want?

I have lost so much to get the little happiness that I have. I have gain,yes that is true, but at a great cost. I have to try so hard. I have to work so hard. I have to hope and often get crushed.

 I do know this though, I will live a better life. I will have stronger fuller healthier relationships of all kinds. I will feel a greater sense of self when I get the things I desire. I will not settle for things you will because I know I deserve better, I have fought hard.

Imma Bad Bitch.

For a long time people have told me they admire my confidence and strength. Now I always take it as a compliment but I never know how to really help others gain things that I don't really know how I do. 

Take swimming for example, I stared competitively swimming when I was 5 1/2 years old. I have never in my memory not known how to swim. So, when I was in high school and my physical education class was life guarding, in which I both guarded the pool and taught my peers how to swim, and I had to teach teenagers who had no swimming ability (some terrified of the water) I had a really hard time with it. I didn't know how to teach someone who was almost a grown adult something that, to me, was a basic essential part of life. Small children are so much easier, their fear is much less and if the freak out and grab on to you it's much less likely that you will both sink. 

I have thought a lot about where I have gotten my confidence from over the years. Honestly, it's something that has only gotten diminished as time has gone on. But, in my heart I know there is nobody who is better than me. I don't think of myself as better than other people either. I just dive in head first into the things I love and care about and let them shine out as part of me. I don't let people make me feel bad for liking or doing things. If I can see myself learning or doing something then I know I can in fact do it if I take the time to learn it. Confidence isn't being cocky or stuck up, it's being comfortable with yourself and knowing that how you feel and think about yourself has more weight and is so much more important than what anybody else thinks, says, or feels. 

Now strength is a whole other story. Strength comes from lessons learn and trails survived. Some of us have far more than others. Some of us are bless with a smoother road than others. It's the grace and survival technique that we employ to get through them that give us strength. I have had my fair share of shit that I have survived through, but I didn't make it out without a few scars. 

All I know is Imma Bad Bitch. I don't let anyone tell me what to do. I don't let people treat me poorly without them learning it's not okay. I am strong, intelligent, badass, and loyal. That's all I need to know. 

Talking Bout My Generation

My generation has serious self acceptance and mental disorder issues. It took me a very long time to learn to love myself and figure out who I am. I am continuously figuring out who I am and what I love and who I want to be.

There is not one person that I know in my generation who completely loves themselves 100% of the time. There is not one person who has never felt the crushing feeling of inadequacy. We are royally fucked when it comes to getting a job. No matter how much education we get there is no guarantee that we will have a job let alone the job we want.

I am very proud of all the things that I have accomplished and have done for myself. Life is a scary thing. It's terrifying. We have very little control over our lives until we are 18 (at least in the US) and then we're expected to know how to do everything for ourselves and take care of ourselves. We're expected to feel this sense of pride in ourselves that we are never taught to have. Most days I know I am invincible. I am nobodies bitch and no one can stop me. But then there are days when I wish I wasn't born. I wish that I just didn't exist for a while. In my head I am the worst person ever and nobody should love me.

How is it that we can feel both invincible and completely shattered? How are we supposed remember that we are invincible when we were never taught how? Our strength comes from ourselves. We are the only ones who can make us feel that we are loved and important and completely 100% invincible.

I'm going to need you to take a step back....

I don't like people who like February. I mean I get it if your birthday is in February, but then it should just be that day that you like. For a long time now February has just been a shitty month. (I do mean many years, not just the twenty-two days that have pasted)

Overall I'm a pretty optimistic person. I am not perfect by any means, but I try often to see the positive side of things. I don't pretend that negative things aren't there, but I try not to dwell on them; who does that really help. I slip up just like everyone else. This past Sunday I had one of the worst days I've had since around the time I ran.

I tried explaining how I felt to one of my friends and he just couldn't understand. How do you explain to someone that you feel like you will never amount to anything, no one will ever be proud of you, you're father seems to hate you, and along with all those things you have no friends near by  and get incredibly scared and stressed out anytime you head towards what you once called home? You can't. Not to someone who hasn't really felt that before.

I got some sleep...eventually. I had to work the next day and it was a surprise short day. Thank god it was. I was not feeling up to sitting by myself for 8 hours and not being able to sleep. I had a bad Monday too; though not as bad as Sunday had been. Tuesday was just bad. The internet got shut off because one of my flatmates didn't pay the bill and then the heat broke and it was < 10 degrees outside. I also worked that night.

While I was working I was talking to the same friend I was trying to explain things to and I then tried explaining why I hated going "home" (back to the burbs). He proceeded to tell me, "I'm gonna need you to take a step back and lightly slap yourself in the face for me."

I didn't but I thought about what that would do. I felt lighter after I "mentally" slapped myself in the face. I remember that I couldn't change the things that made up so upset. I've been in a much better mood since.

I still hate February. Nothing good really comes of it. But from time to time I need to remember to take a step back and slap myself in the face. It seems to help.

Book, Street, or Make Believe.

Recently I've noticed an upswing in people prefacing something they say or ask me with 'well you're smart' or 'you're one of the smartest people I know'. I don't know how to feel about this. I think of myself as fairly intelligent. I have a strong desperation for more knowledge and to always be learning. I haven't been a student in almost two years. These people who call me smart are either still in school, having the opportunity to further and continue their education, or they are decades out of higher education.

I guess I just don't feel that smart when I'm not being challenged. I like to study broadly; learn as much as I can about anything I find interesting. If there is something I want to know I go and learn about it until I am satisfied. Does that make me smart?

Or is it that I have a lot of real world experience. Not necessarily interpersonal experience, but the world has dealt me a load of shit to deal with. From a very young age I have had a fair amount of street smarts. I have done and seen and dealt with a lot of things. I was a curious child who had no concept of what the words no, don't, bad, or Catherine stop meant. I asked a lot of questions. I challenged a lot of things. I loved puzzles. I remember waking up on Saturday mornings and hanging out with my dad cause we were the only two up. We would go through his SAT prep book that was full of mind puzzles. I was maybe ten at the time and I would figure some of them out before my dad. I know be didn't just let me think I beat him a.) cause that wasn't his style and b.) he made me explain it to him how I did it.

Maybe I'm smarter than I think. Maybe I'm just good at appearing smart to others.

I am creative. I am a wallflower. I am a nerd. I love learning. I love the people in my life.

I'm not a parent but I play the part.

Sometimes it's really hard being a nanny. I know it can seem like a really easy job, but there are a lot of things you don't think about unless you're doing it. Yeah, childcare is not super easy or fun. But I never really thought about how much of a second mother (or father) you become. These kids get also as excited to see you arrive and sad when you leave as when their parents do it. There is something sort of magical when a child's face lights up just because they're happy to see you.

But in the same way you get a lot of love and adoration from children you also get the sass and tantrums but when it's not your kid you can't just punish them however you see fit. You can't make the call that they can just cry themselves to sleep in their crib. You can't say yes you can have two cookies. You don't get to decide what they will learn from you and what they should learn on their own.

That's the tough part. You go through much of the same emotional wear and tear that parents do but almost worse cause you can't make the choice. Nannying in your early twenties is an excellent form of birth control. You realize fast how much you would lose, how expensive, and how draining babies/children are. No parent is perfect. There is no such thing. People can only do their best.

Having grown up always pushing boundaries and questioning rules I learned a lot. I love learning and doing things for myself. As I got older and older I learned more and more that the only person who is always going to be able to protect you is yourself. Others can try or want to try and help but you are the only person who is always with you. I know my mom gets upset because she couldn't protect me more. I wish she could have too, but only to ease her unease. I don't know how but I always knew that I was the only person who could or would be able to protect myself.

That's my struggle. How much to I just flat out teach them? How much do I let them learn on their own? How do you stop a baby from trying to grab the computer screen and pull your laptop around? I'm not a parent yet, but I think by the time I am I'll have a pretty good idea of what to do, how I want to teach them things, and how much leniency to give.