Thoughts From the Hospital.

I don't like when I feel as though I might make the wrong decision. I had a minor panic attack on Tuesday. It doesn't matter why right now, it just happened. I had left the library at school and walked over to the MAC (the arts center at my school). I was going to find Lisa and Jack after then they got out of class. I made it out the building doors and two steps on the side walk before the tears started streaming down my face.

I have this gray hoodie that has a hood that is huge. I call it my dementor hood, it's that big. I got into the MAC but couldn't bring myself to go sit with everyone. I was still freaking out and I didn't want to explain to everyone what was going on because really it was all in my head. There is this weird empty space next to the stairs that is a good place to hide in plain sight. I didn't really want to hide, I just wanted to be left alone to figure everything out.

I was sitting on my own clutching my knees to my chest head down and hood over knees for about twenty minutes. (Side note: whenever I hear or say twenty minutes I think of Doctor Who season five.) At some point Lisa found me. I didn't move or speak or look up for a few minutes. I only get really upset like this when I am scared. The last time it happened like this was when I last communicated with my Father on November 17th. It was an e-mail. I didn't know what it was going to say and I was too afraid to open it without someone who knew what was going on. This wasn't like that. This is a decision I'm going to have to make.

This is something that is in my control and completely up to me. It sucks. No matter what I choose I loose something. No matter what I choose I'm still going to be missing a part of who I am. I have ideas for both options. It could be something really great for me. It could be absolutely wrong for me.

I turned twenty years old on July 27th, 2011. Less than two months later I had run away from home. The very first place I was taken that night is one of the few places I feel comfortable. I am comfortable not knowing where something is. I can find it if I really need it. I never know what new amazing thing is literally waiting around the corner. I don't want to loose that. I don't want to leave it. But maybe the other option is what I need. Maybe it's what's best.

I won't make a decision now. I can't make a fully informed one yet. I shouldn't and I won't make a final decision until I've spent sometime there.

I'm just scared. Under all the strength and the bitchyness and the touch exterior I'm really just a little girl who had to grow up fast in order to survive. I a little girl who was abandoned by a world who thought that I was okay. I've got a hell of a set of will power and survival instinct. But when it comes down to it, I just want to make a difference and help people like me who sometime couldn't help themselves. Is that really so much to ask?

Where did you learn manners?

I was a work yesterday and my boss started just yelling at me. I had put a sub sheet up three weeks ago for today because I can't be there. I think the reason she was so mad was because as the the director of my department if one of her employees can't be there and no one else on staff can cover it she has to do it. And I'm sorry but she used to have that shift. She used to teach in that same time slot.

So I'm sitting waiting for classes to start and she comes marching over. I knew as soon as I saw the way she was walking that it was not going to be good. Now granted I didn't call anyone but you know, if you can sub you're going to sign the sub sheet and if you can't you're not. So she starts in on me and is all pissed cause I didn't call anyone. Okay that's a bit fair. Then it was "well why can't you be here?" One you don't need to know why I can't be there, two it's not gonna change the fact that I can't be there. But I said "I'm going out of town", which I am. Sorry but if I'm not here I can't teach. Tough shit. 

She yelled some more and I said I was sorry. But that's where the first big no-no happened. She then said "I don't think you're actually sorry." Now this is one of those things that you just don't do with me. You don't ever tell me how I feel. You are not me. You never will be. You can not possibly know how I feel or why I feel it. I really am sorry that this is causing such a problem. I honestly could care less that it is affecting her negatively now. The biggest problem is that I couldn't talk back because she is my boss. I almost walked out. Right then.

I had told her the previous Thursday that it was becoming very difficult for me to get to that shift. There is a new session starting this week and it was an opportune time to give the shift to someone else. I said if it was easier on her I could still come if I could start later. So that is what she did. It doesn't change the fact that I have conflicts, like my mom having surgery that I have to take her to, that I cannot avoid. I tried to say that things in my personal life were getting hard and more to deal with. No-no number two "Oh yeah I'm sure everything is really hard for you."

Woah there excuse me. You do not know my life. You never have and never will. You have not ever asked me what happened where I do not live with my family anymore because you don't care. I just told you my mom is having surgery, is that not something kind of important to you? I mean I know in the four years I have worked there your dad died. Now that was horrible for you and I understand. Now imagine that happening thirty years back and the last thing he said to you was basically 'don't bother me again and get your shit.' You might start understanding where I am at. But no. You would rather yell at me because I'm forcing you to actually do your job. This time I'm really not sorry. 

I could be a Starship Ranger

I have always been a fighter. I have always been strong. It's a blessing and a curse. People know who the fighters are. They know who the strong ones are. They don't look for them to fail. They don't think about how bad it is when they break.

Being some who is strong and a fighter I can tell you... it's bad. At least for me. People assume you'll be fine and that you just need space. ASK ME WHAT'S WRONG ASSHOLE. Sometimes all that is needed is to know that someone actually cares. Sometimes it's just a kick in the butt.

I've made it through a lot of really tough shit in my years. I've always kind of gone against the grain. These are things that make me, me. I've been thinking about it lately and I've come to realize that Starship has helped save my life. Starship is a musical that was done by Starkid Productions. The main character is Bug who is a bug. He has always dreamed of being a Starship Ranger. However, that is not an option in his culture. Bug is given a chance to take everything he has ever wanted. He takes it.

Bug is much like myself. I have never been handed options or chances like he was but I do my best to do what I love. My grandmother told me that at the current time it was "best to stick to status quo." I'm not a status quo kind of person. I never have been and I never will be. There is a song in the show that is all about how sometimes status quo isn't the best option.

I was told today by a therapist that I have good insight. I was sitting in on someone else's session. I had to learn how to help myself, because no one was coming to help me. I realized that no one was going to help me unless it somehow helped them in someway. This past week was an example of that to me for an extent. I don't ask for help because typically it won't be given. Bug is one of my favorite fictional characters.

Just because something is in your head doesn't mean it's not real. Striving for something more that you ever thought possible is never a waste of time. Happiness in your work and life will take you places you never thought possible. You have one life. One body. One time set. Take what you have and color the world in chaos. Nothing is stopping you from having the life you want, other than yourself.

I'm sorry but I'm no sorry at all.

Okay this will probably end up as more of a rant. I am so sick and tired of women ragging on women. I hate girls as much as the next girl. That is not because I think they should be doing this, that, or the next thing. It is because I too many do not use the brain that was put in their heads. They diminish what women can and should do.

Women only belong in three places: the kitchen, the bedroom, and the rest of the house for cooking, sex, and cleaning. 

NO! No I'm sorry but do you have ANY self respect? I don't know how anyone could seriously believe that about themselves. Maybe I have been beaten down by both men and women too much for me to think that all I am good for is house life. Maybe I just find it too repulsive. How anyone could honestly say that they don't see anything more for themselves horrifies me. I can't imagine a life where I have no real goals or dreams or ambitions. 

Have babies, raise them, get fucked by my husband. HELL NO! Respect me. We haven't even had right's for a hundred years yet and still women are glorifying what other women fought against for years before they were heard. 

When you fight for something it means something more. I know that sounds like crap but I'm serious. When you work hard for something it becomes a part of you. Maybe I'm weird and think things deserve to be honored. I'm not a feminist, I just have respect for women and their rights. I believe in equality on all levels. I don't care what makes you different you should be treated like a person and not as something bad or evil or an object. 

I respect humanity. 

Homeless Run Away

So I did something in September that makes me very different from the vast majority of people. I ran away from the home I grew up in. I do not mean I left to go to school. I mean I ran. No shoes, no coat, no bra. All I had was my cell phone, a t-shirt, a blanket, and sweat pants. I bolted. I didn't feel safe. Things had been bad for a long while and I could sense that they were getting worse.

People say things to me and for some reason I can get away with saying "yeah well I'm homeless." Yes I have a place to say. I am so very grateful that the family took me in. I will never be ungrateful. It doesn't mean I have a home. Even my own house stopped feeling like a home. A home, to me, is a place where you can feel safe and loved and have a space that is all your own. I live in a room that has accommodated some of my stuff. It is not my home.

I was doing really good for a while. I felt a lot better than I had previously been feeling. I mean I had my bad days, we all do. But since the start of the new year I have almost constantly been upset. Some days are better than others. I just get real sad and I don't like it. I don't have any way to really change it either.

I am trying though. I'm someone who when they're upset does not want to be touched. I've been letting people hug me even if I don't hug back. It's not that I don't care about them anymore, it's just that I can't give that much of myself away at that point. The thing I think is almost the weirdest is that the people I am closest to are the ones I never exchange hugs with, even when I'm in a good mood. It's not that I don't want to. It's just not in our friendship anymore. It's kind of bums me out actually.

I am not a very verbal person when it comes to affection. Those who I am affectionate of though know it. They know I love them even if I don't say it. They know because they know me well enough. These past few months have been really hard. My dad is dying and I can't think about him without getting physically scared. It hurts. My relationship with all of my family is strained. My grandma is 81 and taking care of four people now that I'm gone. She is one of the strongest people I know. I love her to death. We do not see eye to eye on how life should be lived. She is very status quo, I resent the status quo. No man woman or child can tell me that striving for happiness and safety is wrong.

I want to create things and share them with the world. I have to help people. I want to make the world better and happier. I want to travel. I want to experience all that life has to offer. Life has given me a fuck ton of the heavy aspects of life. I would love to see the world from a brighter stand point. I would love to have someone to share it with. I don't care about money. From a young age I was told to marry money. Hell no. I couldn't care less about money. I understand it's importance, I do. I want to share my life with a man who will understand the beauty of the simple things. Don't bother with jewelry, I don't like it that much. Buy me a book. Buy me something I can share with you or others. The simple things in life are the ones that make me happiest.

Some of my favorite things from last year are spending time with people I love doing things that we enjoy together. I saw three amazing concerts. I met people who I admire. I payed for my own trip to Florida and touched a palm tree. (I'm a born and raised Chicagoan, I had never seen a real palm tree.) I got closer to people that I love and care about. I read some great books. I went camping and got into a squirt gun fight with a grown man who had kids only a few years younger than me. These are things that make me think back and smile. As many things hurt to think about I have the ones that make me smile uncontrollably. That's what matters.

So yeah, I sassed a homeless man in Ann Arbor, Michigan because he tried to tell me I didn't have any idea what it was like to be homeless. "I'm homeless too bee." "I'm a run away." These are things that are a part of me but they do not define me. I am Catherine Elizabeth. I am twenty years old. I am a nerd. I can not wait for the new Spider-Man movie to come out, along with the Hobbit.

No life is perfect, but all have potential for beauty.- Catherine Elizabeth 2011