Drowning in the Sea of Suburbia

I go to the city fairly often. It's fair to say that I love it, especially when every time I even see the skyline I say or think "my baby". Now yes it can't actually be my baby. That would hurt, let me real. But I do love it more than any other city. If you have read any of my other posts than you probably already know that I love Chicago and it's my home.

No other place makes me feel this way. I love and hate being there because it hurts to know that at the end of the day I have to leave and go back to the suburbs. I love it there because even when I have no idea where I am, I am still comfortable. Most people don't understand how I feel about it. I have never wanted to be somewhere so badly before in my life.

My goal is to have moved and have a nanny job by September 13th, 2012. Exactly one year after I ran away to try and save my self to have a chance at a better, happier, safer, and less stressful life. I know it's not going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. I know I am going to stave a lot. I also know how to survive and thrive with nothing. Give me enough food to get by, a computer, and an internet connection and I'll be okay.

Lisa and I went into the city today intending to see one concert and ended up seeing Holy Musical B@man. It's exactly the area I want to live in. It kills me that I don't. It kills me that right now I can't. It kills me to know that I am stuck in the burbs.

I do okay most of the time, but there are times when I just can't handle living here. All the people with their fake smiles and boring self servicing lives. I just see so much more for me. Even on days when it feels as though non existence would be so much easier, I want more for myself. I know I am capable of so much more. No one can and or will ever convince me that human life should no be cherished, that we are not capable of making a world full of beauty and those who appreciate said beauty.

I ran away to start my life over and make it better and give myself a chance, and so far I have done so really awesome thing. But there is something missing. I'm not really that happy. I mean I'm happy enough, but it's starting to not be enough. I see my self happy, thriving, creating, enjoying, and cherishing my life when I picture myself in the future living in the city. I think it's so powerful and ingrained in my head because every time I am there that is how I feel. In the city I am limitless. In the city no body knows me. In the city I am more the person I want to be.

I am tired of feeling as though I am drowning in the mess of people and live in the suburbs. They only hold memories that hurt. No matter how much I fight it and pretend that it doesn't bother me, it does. I don't have that in the city. I have memories of a parking lot where I saw one of my favorite artists in the pouring rain. I have memories of finding books that give me goosebumps. I have memories of just walking down the street and being happy that I had no where I planned to go and nothing that I planned, I was walking and exploring and finding things I wanted to do. I have favorite bookstores and comic book shops. I have a smile etched on my face just thinking about it.

I have little over a month of school left. I'm starting to look for a nanny job or even a summer nanny job. I'm taking action and control. I am going to start looking at apartments. I'm going to mentally prepare my mother long before my grandmother, who both mean well but I don't think can fully understand. I think I might just tell my grandma I am moving once I signed my lease. That's probably safest.

I want to be the person I see in my mind. I can't be her here. I am as much of her as I can be here but it's not enough. I'm ready. I can do this. I just need the money to come faster along with time. It's been a rough year, but I am strong. I have good survival instincts. I can't wait to say Good Bye and Hello.

I strongly believe that...
No life is perfect, but all have potential for beauty.

These Things I Have Accepted.

Yesterday I was in a really good mood. When this happens I get exceedingly silly (this also happens when I get sick.) My close friends and I have been having a hard time recently. There has been tension between a few of us. We're working on it. We all mean a great deal to each other, so more than others. It started off fairly tense yesterday but, we know each other. We know our quirks, for the most part. We can fall back into our happy normal rhythm when we want to. That's what happened.

We were just sitting at Caribou Coffee on our respective computers until I had to go to work. It wasn't as light and happy then. But I had a pretty good day at work. I mean other than one of my swimming students threatening and attempting to rip my suit off. Not cool. I was in a pretty good mood. My last class is the lowest level and age between 3 and 5 years old. They are silly and go along with my silly. I like them.

So when I got off work I was in a pretty good mood. My leg happened to be bleeding. I had had a scab that the water had knocked off. I was holding and fanning my leg to dry it up so I did not drip blood on to the back seat of the car. Now, when I am doing something that makes me very aware of a body part my brain and mouth have no filter and I end up just saying, " I have (insert body part here)." This happened yesterday when I was holding my leg. I just said, "I have a leg." Jack turned around and looked at me with a smile and reminded me that I was weird but also that he hadn't seen me like this in a while and he missed it.

The first time Jack saw my "HEY I'M REALLY SILLY AND WEIRD SOMETIMES" was when I was sick back in the fall. Lisa made me go out in sweatpants cause I really didn't want to put real pants on. I also have this thing where I don't go out in sweatpants unless I'm sick or going to work. She made me go eat after we picked up Jack. I had a huge piece of cake with strawberries on top. This is when the really silly came in. I mean I say silly things all the time but it gets worse sometimes. I wanted to finish the cake because I was almost done but I was just so full. I said, "My fork is Excalibur, this cake is my quest, and the strawberries were dragons but I defeated them by eating them," and then I shoved the last strawberry in my mouth in triumph.

I like being weird, it's who I am. I am also a bitch. I like this too, because people know not to give me shit.  I am a nerd but that just helps in my doctorate degree in The Art of Being Awesome. I am very quirky, it just makes me more interesting. I am pretty smart and I love learning new things. I love to be amazed with the world around me. These are all things that people have tried to use against me but have failed because they are things I am proud of and love about myself.

You need to be able to love yourself. -Charlie McDonnell 

Falling to Status Quo

Exactly six months ago today I left the house I grew up in and the people who are my blood family. A lot has changed since then.

To me, I do not have a home, I haven't had once since about August, that's when things really started changing. I tried to get out before everything fell apart, I really honestly did. I asked my grandma if I could move in with her and live in her attic. We talked about it and she said, "why don't we just leave it to status quo." Now that was exactly the wrong thing to say to me.

It starts with not questioning the answers

and giving up before you've begun

It locks all the doors increases the pressure

and in a flash you time is up before it's done

and you don't know how it can feel, to feel at all.

I say no to Status Quo

who wants to be like the rest and deny the best that I'm meant for

I will show the Status Quo

who wants to be normal I'll never conform I'll be content to resent the Status Quo

Those are the beginning lyrics to one of my all time favorite songs. It is from the Starkid musical Starship. That show and the main character Bug are part of the reason I am still here today. They gave me strength at a time when I was loosing mine. They reminded me that when you want something and do your damnedest to get it, anything is possible. But this song, this is the song that really helped me those six months ago. 

I kick down the walls around me 

they don't know how strong I am 

I'm not defined my boundary's they could never understand

I'm so much more

than Status Quo

Forget about me and another pipe dreamer stuck on the bottom floor

and I know it's time to go

I am very much me. I have always been myself around my family. I am outspoken and strong willed. My family has never really had my back 100%, but that tends to be how families are. I, however, am not the type to let my family and others define what I do, who I am, and where I go. I knew staying where I was was not healthy for me. I also knew, that no matter how it happened, if I left before my dad he would be mad at me. Which might I say is very unfair. He's the one who fucked this all up so royally. 

    so maybe I've gotten everything that I've wanted 

but I think that I might have made it so 

when I said no, no, no 

to Status Quo.  

I'm not going to say that this part of the song has happened yet for me. I haven't gotten everything I wanted. I am doing a lot better. Overall I am a lot healthier that when I left. It took a long time for me to start really coming into myself again. 

I know what I want. I know where I want to be. I have plans. I'll be okay. I am strong and can survive. Things are working out for the better slowly. I mean this month alone I'm going to see one of my favorite artists Charlene Kaye, then two days later I get to see The Joe Moses One Man Showses, which I never thought I would get to see, and then I am one of the lucky few who get to see Holy Musical B@man! It's a great month for me and I am more than happy. 

I want to live in a city that I love. I want to help kids and be there to help raise them. I would be in an area that always has something to do. I know my way around and can easily figure it out if I don't. I fit in. I will be fine. I will be even happier. 

I am content to RESENT the status quo. I have never regret going against the status quo. I will never fall to status quo. 

HOLY SH!T YOU KNOW?!

So we're going to pretend that you don't know me or anything about me for a minute. Hello, my name is Catherine Elizabeth. I am what some would call a nerd, a Jabba the Hutt sized nerd. Okay no, that's not even big enough. I grew up watching sci fi, it's in my blood to be a nerd. A few of my earliest memories are watching Star Trek. Being a nerd of the internet I'm a ton more involved in my fandoms than regular nerds are. I don't mean to imply that I only like nerdy TV, by all means no. I love to learn. I wish I could be in school. I have actually taken to reading text books in some of my free time just because I find them interesting. I do love nerdy TV though.

There is another problem though, I am, what I call, a quasi hipster. I don't do it intentionally to be hipster, it's really just things I like and a fair amount of it is underground. It's not my fault you all don't know about theses things. Go get yourself educated like I did. It's a great time. But sometimes this amazing thing happens.

You meet someone else and start talking and one of your favorite things come up and they know. You don't have to explain or anything. It's seriously one of the best things in the world. You walk around and people think you're crazy when you talk because they are uneducated in the art of being awesome. But then you meet that other person and you're just like, "oh my shit I don't have to explain anything to you, you just know!" It is so exciting. To find someone with a mutual love of the art of being awesome, is rare and amazing when it happens.

It's exciting to the point that I have literally started jumping up and down. I know, what a nerd right? I already told you I AM ONE. My friend Ali and I got really close really fast because of our shared Doctorates in the Art of Being Awesome. I have another friend who we call Amy, her real name is Katherine (I know a K right?), whom we met on Halloween when she was dressed as Amy Pond from Doctor Who. Amy is another person who is well versed in the Art of Being Awesome.

There is something just so magical about finding people who already know about the "nerdy" or "underground" things you love. It is so hard to explain things to non nerds at times. It's a though life we lead. I tend to give up explaining and just say, "you wouldn't understand."

There's Something I Need To Say.

I am a woman of action, progress, and charity. Yesterday a group of people that I am close with got into a heated argument about Kony 2012. I stand behind Invisible Children 100% and have for years. Some people are concerned that people are just jumping on the bandwagon without doing research on the whole issue. My best friend Lisa and I have gone through a bunch of articles that are not the same side as our own. We have looked at the public record of IC's finances and different rating they have gotten as an organization. I still stand behind their efforts 100%.

The biggest problems I had with the argument were ignorance, selfishness, and the belief that we do NOT have the power to change this.

Oh my Merlin, you are wrong.

The world we live in, the things we have, any and everything we have and do is through the power and the amazing ability we have as humans to do and create whatever the hell we want. With our great power as human beings we need to be careful because those who do terrible horrible things have the same power. People believe and accept the powers of the negative over the power of good and positive. It kills me that people believe that they are powerless. It infuriates me that anyone thinks I am powerless. To hell with that. I am a person. I am a human. I am a woman. I am a fighter. I am a believer. I have the power to do what I believe is right and to make this a world I am proud to live in. I have always believed in doing what is right over what is easy. More recently I made a promise to myself to always do what is right over what is easy. It's something I learned long ago from a boy with a scar and glasses.

I will never apologize for my beliefs. I am however sorry that you feel so weak and powerless. I am sorry your thoughts are so selfish. I believe in changing the world. I believe in equality for all. Most of all I believe in humanity.

"We the people in order to form a more perfect union," is the beginning of our United States Constitution. How on earth can you live in a country that was formed by "hipsters" or "liberals" of the time, that came here to make a better life and believe that there is no power to change the world? How people can be so unconcerned for the safety, and  prosperity of other human beings is so far beyond me that it has to be in a complete other galaxy.

I have known that over all I am pretty selfless. I never knew just how selfless I am in comparison to others of my generation. Like it or not WE are the generation of change. We will be the ones to bring the social changes to the world that I believe are needed and humanly right. We the people have the power to change the world. 

Passionately Curious.

I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.- Albert Einstein

All my life all I have ever wanted to do when I "grew up" was help people in some capacity. At first I wanted to be a doctor. I spent a large amount of time as a child in hospitals and it seemed like something I would enjoy. As time went on the realization that I would have someones life in my hands terrified me. My interest in medicine becoming my profession rapidly declined from there. I never lost interest in the beauty, and awe the human body brought to me. I have considered being a psychologist, a writer, and even a special needs teacher. 

Sadly, I do not have the option at the moment to go to school. As much as I love to learn and want to be in school the money is just not there. I need to get myself to a place where I am mentally healthy and stable before I can begin going back to school. I am still very passionate about the power of the written word and the power of storytelling. 

I have always loved to see others lives improving even in the slightest from being helped. I also know how hard it can be to accept help when you are an independent person, it is something that I have had to learn first hand. I am  a Chicago Ambassador for The Trevor Project. What that means is that I donate my time and effort to raising awareness for The Trevor Project. I go to events and volunteer. I have seen first hand the affect it can have on peoples lives. I have never heard anything against what they are trying to do. 

I am in my grandmothers and many many others opinions "far too liberal." I strongly disagree. I simply believe in the equality of humanity. I believe that no man, woman, or child should be treated differently or less than human for any reason. I don't care if you come from somewhere else, look different, speak another language, who you love, your gender, your sexuality, your mental ability. Now I joke that I cannot deal with stupidity, that's false. I simply do not tolerate ignorance or choosing to not apply ones self to knowledge that is considered common. 

I believe that we are all humans and should treat one another as such. 

I have found that I want to work for charities or non for profits. I want to see the difference that I can make in someone else's life. Nothing makes me happier. Nothing else makes sense to me. I plan to continue to write because, as a lover of literature, I know how much a book can change and/or save someones life. 

That's all. I am curious about the world and things I do not know. I am passionate about making this world one my children will be proud to live in, where everyone is accepted, loved, or cherished.