Woman Up!

I have this problem where I don't accept compliments well. I was never taught how. I wasn't given much positive feed back when I was younger. I was told I was loved and that my family cared for me but not that I was an amazing person.

Flash forward to 2012. I no longer live with my family and only see some of them about three or four times a month. After any of these interactions I am left feeling negative about something. It's not always just about myself or some decision I made that they don't approve of. Sometimes it's situations that I am involved in within our family that I have no control of and have move on from. That's another thing I guess, I learn to move pass it and they don't. I hate getting dragged back into those feelings. As if it isn't enough that all of this is happening but even then once I've left something go It can't stay gone with them. 

I know I have great intellectual potential. Not score perfect on standardized tests or anything like that, but I am far from stupid. I really do love to learn. In all of my stacks of books there is one that is all old text books. I'm that nerdy. 

The other night two of my best friends broke up. Personally, I think it was for the best. I was surprised when they got together but they made each other happy so who am I to say I wasn't sure it would work. I had known that it was going to happen for a few days before hand even if they weren't. I know my friends and I do my best to help them. I knew the one who ended it was going to be okay at first, we might have to have a night of watching Dirty Dancing and eating ice cream but all in all she would be okay. 

Now him I was more worried about. It happened at a party after our choir concert. As soon as I saw them leave to talk I started to prepare myself  for the aftermath. It was hard because I care about both of them so much. For me it feels like I am the child of divorced parents. I promise I'm not going completely off topic, there is a point and I'm getting to it. 

When she came back in I talked to her. She is my best friend, it's my job to take care of her first. He didn't come back for a few minutes, when he did I knew he didn't want to be there and would want to just vent and talk to someone. I went up and hugged him and asked if he wanted to go for a walk. I am the only person who knew both sides. I am the only one who loves both of them and would try and be as unbiased as possible. 

We talked for a long time. Earlier that night he had sat me down and started telling me all of the things he liked about me (something he does when he's drunk). I said thank you and let him feel good about making me feel good, awkward, but good. As we were walking I would say something and he stopped and turn to me. He said that I was smart, really smart. I was strong, caring, kind, nice, chill, down to earth, honest, and above all extremely selfless. These are all things that I pride myself in having. 

The reason I am saying all this is because I have a hard time believing that other people could possibly see those things. I have never had the kind of love and thankfulness that has come from my friends at school. No one has ever told me thank you and your're wonderful, as much as they have. I love them and I am really going to miss some of them. 

My goal for the rest of the year is not minimize the amount I cut myself down. I don't let other people do it to me, so why do I let myself? I am my own biggest critic. I will always tear me down more than anyone else. It's not even that I don't like myself. I love me. I really really do. I think it's just after everything I have been through I have a hard time believing that I deserve better. I've never had it  and I don't know what it's like.

I left no person talk down to me, not even my grandma. I believe in equality. I treat everyone equally.  

As a women in today's society I feel as though I have to fight that much harder to get respect. I can not believe that we are have women's rights issue in 2012. It disgusts me that a man could think he could make a decision for a woman and have her just be content with it. 

Goals: stay positive, stay strong, don't let the muggles get me down. 

Intellectual Giant.

One of my very good friends uses this as an nickname for me when I do something without thinking or that's just plain stupid. I don't mind. Typically I just laugh at whatever it is I have done. The thing is though, if I could be, I would love to actually be an intellectual giant.

When I was young and in grade school I struggled with phonics and reading. To this day there are some words I just can't spell. The actual act of reading was where I struggled. I had a hard time staying focused on just sitting and reading. By the time I was in third grade I had to keep a stress ball in my desk so that when it can time for SSR (sustained silent reading) or whatever I could play with it while I read. Now, I have no problems with reading. I actually have a small collection of around 200 books in my bedroom. It is no where enough for my liking. My reading comprehension on the other hand has always been through the roof. There was a semester last year where my brother would help me with my history homework and I would do his is English homework for him.

I have always been a literature/art creative type brain. Do not misunderstand me and think that I do not like the sciences. I don't like math though, you can have that one. I believe that scientists have to have a certain amount of creativity in order to figure out half the shit they do. I have always loved science. You see science and I just have a hard time understanding each other. If there were just conceptual classes in science I would have done just fine. It's the application of the concepts that always screwed me up. I blame the math involved. Take physics for example. I thought the class was incredibly interesting and very cool but, I did horrible on homework and tests because of the math involved.

It kills me that I can not be in school and be constantly learning and challenging myself. I am not one to speak up in class because I hate to be wrong. Teachers had an unspoken fondness for me where they would get an expression on their face when I would talk in class. I miss being in class and just learning. I miss sitting by the door or in the back and rolling my eyes and internally making fun of all the people who just say stupid shit.

I have taken to collecting old text books. I actually do enjoy reading them. I love the constant intellectual challenge. I love challenging others. I have learned to never take learning opportunities for granted. I cherish the ones that I had. I hope to return to school in the future. I hope to have a degree. I hope to love my life. I will continue to learn everyday.

I've been alone, surrounded by darkness.

I have this habit of saying that I'm okay or alright or fine when people ask how I am or how I've been doing. Really what else do you want me to say. I'm alone. I have no one who really understand what I am going through. Even my friends who know most everything can't understand. A.) because I still have my secrets like any other person and B.) they haven't and probably won't ever go through what I am going through. I have accepted this. I appreciate the support and caring that they give me.

I had a hard time learning to be alone. I was someone who craved the presence of others constantly. I didn't crave touch but just the knowledge that someone was there. In my junior year of high school I had to learn to be alone because I lost all of my friends. I was the common factor between my two groups of friends that I had brought together that then did a bit of rearranging and split in two once more. I was left in the middle with no one. I learned how to be happy on my own. I learned to enjoy being alone. Now when I don't have some time to myself I get irritated. I never understood it when I was young, but I do now.

There are time when I get stuck inside my own head and over think everything. I tell myself that everyone secretly hates me and that I am worthless. I know for a fact that there is at least one person in my life who talks about me behind my back. It's okay though. There isn't anything that my friends can say that will actually hurt me. They can piss me off to no end, but hurt me, they don't have that power. This is why I don't think of them as my "new" family. My blood family are the people who have hurt me most. They are the ones that, from a young age, I was taught to give power to. It's hard to take it away. It's hard to say that I don't care what my dad thinks of me. It's hard to say that I'm not hurt by what my father, brother, and grandmother have said about me. They are my family. Is it really so much to ask them to support me and decisions that have saved me?

I believe that no matter how old we get or how messed up our relationships get somewhere, even if it is deep deep down and never acknowledged, we as children have a deep craving for our parents pride and approval. I think it is a human desire and need. To have to accept that I will never have it again from one of them is one of the hardest things I have had to do. Not reminding myself that I am not a waste of space and resources or that I will amount to something and that I can achieve all that I dream of. Those are easier accept than this.

I am a very strong and proud person. I hold myself to a standard. I hate feeling weak or that I need others. This is because when things were really bad the first time I did ask for help from friends and they turned me away and turned their back on me. They told me to suck it up and deal with it myself. I've saved myself once, why should I think I can't do it again? I also haven't let anyone as close to me as those people were, with the exception of Lisa because she knew me then, even if she didn't know what was going on.

I am alone.No matter what anyone says, I really am alone. The people who were always supposed to be there for me are falling apart. By the time I turn 21, in roughly three months, my "family" will no longer exist. No one will be living together or in the same place. It's terrible to think about and that is why I try not to. Sometimes we have to face the horrible things that plague our lives though. Sometime we just have to suck it up and proudly march the ring of power into the center of Mt. Doom and drop it so that we can go to the Shire and be happy once more.

I'm just waiting to be happy at my core. I can't wait to move and get a fresh start. I can't wait to actually hit the reboot button on my life. I don't wish that none of this ever happened. I wouldn't go back and change anything. Things happen. Life is hard. We do the best we can. We are given different skills and tasks because they make us stronger.

I have a lot of healing to do. I have to rebuild my trust in people. I have people who really do care about me in their own ways. I have friends across the country that I will see and hug so tight that neither of us can breath. I am grateful for all of these people in my life.

I am alone, but not forever. I am alone for now because this is a burden for me and me alone. No one is extraordinary. There are only ordinary people who do extraordinary things. I plan to be one of them.

More Than I Realized.

On April 5th my best friend and I went to see Titanic 3D. Titanic is one of my all time favorite movies. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have seen it. All though, I do remember the very first time I saw it. I was six years old and my dad and brother were gone on some boy scout trip. It was still winter and it had just come out on VHS. I was in love. I was given the soundtrack for my birthday later that year. It was 1997 in case you were wondering. Since that day I have loved Titanic. I have three different copies of it in my bedroom. (They are part of my Leo collection. It's like Pokemon, I have to catch them all.)

More and more recently I have been thinking about my childhood and how I can not remember a time when I was not questioning authority or rules. I have always been strong willed and minded. It wasn't until yesterday though that I started seeing the strong woman characters in the movie. This is a film I have idolized for most of my life. Both Rose and Molly Brown are sassy, strong, independent thinking women. They have no problems treating men as equally as they could for their time.

There is a point in the story when Rose is told by her mother that she has to marry Cal even though she has no love or interest in him. Jack comes in and fights for her. In his speech to her he says that there is a fire in her that he loves. I have that same fire. I have people that have tried, unsuccessfully I might add, to tell me what to do, how to live, and what to think. I'm not someone who takes orders well. People only have power if you give it to them.

I am okay with people calling me a bitch, sassy, snarky, nerd, weird, or any other thing that might be used to describe me, because I am confident in who I am and what I believe. I have had that confidence for most if not all of my life even without my being conscious of it. It hasn't been until these last few year that I had this confidence. Now, I own it. I rock it. I love it.

I had no idea of the actual impact that these characters had on me until last night. I am happy with the characteristics I have. I love that I don't feel as though I need anyone to "save" me or protect me, I can do that for myself and I have. I love the idea of having someone who will always be there for you to help you through. I just don't believe that anyone needs someone else to be complete.The people in your life should only add to you in my opinion. Like I said, people only have as much power over you as you give them.

Why you gotta be like that?

The title is a quote for A Very Potter Sequel NOT just bad grammar or speech. The point remains the same.

I left my house over seven months ago, and I have not lived with my mother in over a year now. It's weird to think about. I have not spoken to my father since I left, though I do talk to my mom. Funny enough, simply by coincidence, the day my mom came back was the day I left. I actually didn't know she was there until I saw her step out of the bathroom trapped behind my father and brother who were screaming and yelling at me. It didn't register that she was there until the next day.

As I just said I left after my father and brother were verbally assaulting me the night I left. For a while I was angry at my brother for the things he said but, like a mature person, I got over it. I always knew why he was upset and I have since forgiven him for the things he said. We work together and have to see each other at lease twice a week.

The problem is that my father since I left has done nothing but give me more reasons to stay way from him. He has a fairly rare and progressed form of cancer. He is getting worse to my knowledge. I cannot forgive him for what he has done to me. I am no longer angry or resentful towards him. He is screwed and I know it, but everything that has gone wrong for him he has done to himself. He fucked this all up. Not me. Though every time I talk to my mom he has been blaming me for something or feeding lies to my brother. Seriously, you fucked this up enough why do you need to make my brother hate me too.

Just because I have the strength and will power to do what you never could doesn't give you the right to make things worse for me. I knew, I knew that if I left before we had to or before he did that he would be mad at me. I stayed as long as I could. I really really did. I was not going to go through my junior year of high school again.

I am strong and a force that cannot be stopped once set on a course. Never doubt me. Never tell me I cannot do something that I want to do. I will prove you wrong. I will throw it in your face.

My mom and her father didn't seem to have the best relationship. I believe that she wishes that she could have changed things before he died almost seventeen years ago now. She keeps telling me that she doesn't want the same to happen to me. She wants me to try and mend my relationship with my father. I will not speak to him until I know he will not yell at me and I will not be scared. I believe that if we never do repair our relationship I will be okay. Nobody else thought that he would do this to me. I had a clue. I was prepared. I try and choose to remember the happy, nice, loving father of my youth over the one I have known more recently. I cannot change him or what he has done. I can however control how I feel and what I choose to do with my knowledge and feelings.