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Being someone who enjoys the written word I understand where people are coming from more than others who do not dive into other worlds and lives everyday. A lot has happened to me in the past few years that is hard to tell my close friends who don't know. It's not a fun story to tell nor is it fun to hear. Not only that but there is a HUGE chunk that no one knows, not even the one who thinks they know the most.

I have been working on a story for the better part of this year. It is a piece of fiction that has ties to reality and my past. I have not worked hard to make the main character unlike myself because she is a representation of me and things I can only hope for myself. It is the best way I could think of for people to understand what happened to me without having to go through it over and over. Now this way people will know more than I would have told them if I was sitting them down and telling it to them but such is life. This was people who have no idea who I am and that these things really did happen to me may be helped to know that someone (even if it is just fiction to them) has been through something similar to what they are going through.

Books and stories are what helped me the most. I hope that one day this may have the opportunity to help someone the way John, Jo, Steven and so many others helped me.

Party? What party?

I just want to go for a walk. Is that really so much to ask? Yet I can't find my keys. They're supposed to be in my room. They are not. I've looked. Twice. I look and look and look. I just get frustrated. Someone asks what's wrong. What am I looking for? MY KEYS! I'm mad. I just want to leave at the moment. Too many people. I feel too much and there are too many people. It's getting late, I don't want you to go alone. It's not safe. I need to be alone. I won't be long. I just need to go for a walk. I finally find my keys. They're on her bed. Why? I will never know. I'm finally on my walk. Just down the street to the bench in the park under a big street light. I'm sad. I'm nervous. I'm crying. I miss him. I miss them. I miss her. I just want it to stop. I want it to be over. I want it to not matter. I go back home. Still so many people. Are you okay? I compose my face for them. I'm fine. Just needed a walk. I go in my room again. The storage center for the evening. OPEN FOR BUSINESS it should say on my door. I keep light off and kick my shoes away. I curl in a ball and begin to cry again. I just want my poison apple. I want to sleep until it doesn't hurt, doesn't matter anymore. The door opens and the light turns on. What are you- are you okay? Why are you crying? It's nothing. I'm fine. No you're not. You're in here all alone crying on your bed in the dark. It sounds pathetic like that. He sits down his hip to my stomach. He is warm. He's always warm. What's wrong? His arm rests on my hip. I miss him and it hurts. I don't want to miss him. I know it sucks. I can't imagine what this feels like, but you did the right thing. You did what was best for you even though it sucks and it hurts and it's hard. He sits me up and rubs my back. He's too good to me. I don't deserve this. I don't even know how our friendship started. How we got close. This boy wormed his way into my life and showed me I could trust him. Our little talks and one on one time, sharing and building a foundation of trust. He hugs me tight. One of the few people who can do that anytime. Hugs me for a long time. Tells me I'm good and he's here if I need him. Be happy. You deserve it. You are awesome and an amazing person. I want to believe him. I really do. A kiss on the cheek and he departs with the rum and coke he had come into my room for. 

Peeling an Orange.

Maybe I'm just weird, actually I know I'm weird, but I like oranges. Okay so that's not it. I do like oranges, I just think that it's interesting that in a world that is always moving, never stoping for anyone, we will take the time out of our day to peel an orange.

Let's be real for a second, it takes at least twice as long to to peel an orange than it takes to eat it. That's ridiculous. Seriously, why does food need to take so damn long to cook? I love food. Food and I are best friends (as long as there is no dairy in it). Lactose intolerance sucks. Back to the point. FOOD!

Food of one of the few things that our society will slow down for. Yeah, America is obese and eating disorders are far too common, but food is still something we slow down for. Food brings us together. Food is something we all need and many of us love.

I am so sick of people regulating what they eat and counting calories. There is a Whole Foods down the street from where I live so yes I shop there a lot. It makes finding things without dairy a lot easier and surprisingly not as expensive. I asked my mother for years if we could get free range meat and cage free eggs. I would rather have things that are not stuffed full of chemicals. I like putting my money into things that I like and companies that I agree with. I buy most of my books at used bookstores or small self owned shops. I get a lot of things second hand (not food, that's just gross).

I know what it's like to struggle and take what ever you can get. I am on my own now and take care of myself and my roommates. I had to learn to feed myself and take care of everything myself. I'm happy about it, I'm very proud of myself for turning out the way I have.

All of this is what runs through my head when I peel an orange or even just pick them out at Whole Foods. It's funny how so much can happen is such a small amount of time.

Ever the Samwise

Life’s been a little weird lately. Things have been hard for everyone. I think October is just one of those months that is just a wishy washy month. The weather is changing. We’ve gone from hot summer days to sweater weather or colder with beautiful fall colors. But the weather is not the important thing. The important thing is friendship.

Friendship is a very strange thing. It’s one of those things that we have known and, hopefully, had all along. It’s the definition and meaning that changes as we get older.

I have some amazing friends that I love with all of my heart. Some I have spent day after day with. Some I don’t get to see so often, but that doesn’t mean I love them any less. There are five people that I will pretty much always let or want to hug me. That’s weird for me. I honestly don’t like being touched by most people. I only get to see one of them regularly. When things are hard I talk to them, I go to them, I’ll cry in front of them. I don’t let people in. I have learned to trust very few because they really have to earn it. Those people have earned it. It doesn’t just take time. I have been friends with some people longer than others but that doesn’t mean anything. So we may have memories that go back further but none of them are full of stories and learning to trust one another. These friends and I have random nights just chatting, staying outside at parties just talking and venting, and lots of nights hold up in my bedroom playing chess.

Good true relationships of any kind shouldn’t take a lot of work, building the foundation for that relationship to stand on does. Once you have something, it’s there. Things fall apart and people grown and change. Life isn’t perfect and neither are relationships of any kind. The thing that matters is that each person is on equal ground. There needs to be an equal give and take or things don’t work. It doesn’t need to be constant but there does need understanding, love, trust, and loyalty. For me, I have to be able to trust you. I have to know that you aren’t just going to go blab to the next person you see. That’s very important.

I love my friends. I have a different connection with all of them, but I love them. 

It's funny really, I'm closer with some of my online friends that I have never been able to see or hug than those who I can. They know more about me than a lot of irl friends. Friends man, it's an interesting world we live in.