I'm not a parent but I play the part.

Sometimes it's really hard being a nanny. I know it can seem like a really easy job, but there are a lot of things you don't think about unless you're doing it. Yeah, childcare is not super easy or fun. But I never really thought about how much of a second mother (or father) you become. These kids get also as excited to see you arrive and sad when you leave as when their parents do it. There is something sort of magical when a child's face lights up just because they're happy to see you.

But in the same way you get a lot of love and adoration from children you also get the sass and tantrums but when it's not your kid you can't just punish them however you see fit. You can't make the call that they can just cry themselves to sleep in their crib. You can't say yes you can have two cookies. You don't get to decide what they will learn from you and what they should learn on their own.

That's the tough part. You go through much of the same emotional wear and tear that parents do but almost worse cause you can't make the choice. Nannying in your early twenties is an excellent form of birth control. You realize fast how much you would lose, how expensive, and how draining babies/children are. No parent is perfect. There is no such thing. People can only do their best.

Having grown up always pushing boundaries and questioning rules I learned a lot. I love learning and doing things for myself. As I got older and older I learned more and more that the only person who is always going to be able to protect you is yourself. Others can try or want to try and help but you are the only person who is always with you. I know my mom gets upset because she couldn't protect me more. I wish she could have too, but only to ease her unease. I don't know how but I always knew that I was the only person who could or would be able to protect myself.

That's my struggle. How much to I just flat out teach them? How much do I let them learn on their own? How do you stop a baby from trying to grab the computer screen and pull your laptop around? I'm not a parent yet, but I think by the time I am I'll have a pretty good idea of what to do, how I want to teach them things, and how much leniency to give.

I want.

I wanted a fair shot at being happy and living a life that I loved. 

So I ran after it. 

I wanted to read more books and learn lessons from the past from them.

So I became a bibliophile.

I wanted to start playing chess again.

So I found a chess set and a beautiful best friend to play with me.

I wanted to learn and able to drink coffee.

So that beautiful best friend got me hooked. 

I wanted make more friends. 

So I tried harder and slowly opened more. 

I wanted to help and support in the LGBTQ community because everyone deserves to be happy.

So I started to volunteer with the Chicago Ambassadors for The Trevor Project. 

I was in Orlando and wanted to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

So I did. 

I wanted to start reading comic books.

So I went in a comic book store and bought some. 

I wanted to play D&D.

I ended up with friends who wanted to as well and we started playing. 

I wanted a dress up 21st birthday party.

So I made my friends dress up as super heros/villains. 

I wanted a fair shot at being happy and living a life that I loved.
So I moved to Chicago which has always been my tangible safe haven.

I want to stay in touch and close with my friends whom I am separated from.
I'll remind them how much they mean to me often.
I want to do something epic and awesome with said friends.
I'll think of something. I always do.
I want to be a published author of at least one novel.
I'll finished editing and start sending it out.
I want to learn to play bass.
I'll buy a bass and work hard.
I want to continue to live a life I am proud of.
I want to look back and see I made some mistakes.
I want to show people that your past helps shape you but does not define you.
I will do it all because the only person who can stop me...is myself.

Call me Flower.

Now I don't know if you read this mom, but knowing you I'm sure you do, and I'm sure you are going to appreciate this one.

Almost everyone has stories from when they were kids that their parents love to tell. My parents have a plethora of stories to choose from. For people who have met me in the past, probably, seven years seem to have a harder time believing that I was hell in too big heels. (I always ended up rolling down the stairs when I tried walking down them in 'big girl heels'. That hurt like a bitch) This past summer I even took two of my friends to my mom's for dinner so that she could tell them stories of my childhood because they refused to believe me that I was in fact a demon child.

I understand where the confusion can come from. I have become a much more introverted person over the years. I have become very cautious and wary in situations that are unpredictable. In the past two years I have really started to come into my own once again. I have stopped being afraid to show who I really am. I have stopped trying to fit in, or fit the paradigm that they have tried to put me in. I am myself. I am silly and weird. I don't even know why I do have the things I do. I am a bibliophile. I have an obsession with fashion, in particular shoes. I am unapologetic about who I am, though I am not offensive to people either.

I am happily realizing that in this past month I have started to become more like toddler Catherine. I don't mean maturity wise. I mean in the way that I see the world. Now this is where you might start worrying mom. I was a wild free spirit. I broke all the rules and took no prisoners. I questioned all authority. I really just did whatever I wanted and dealt with the consequences when they came. That last bit has never really left me. I was obsessed with cheetah print, that never really left either.  I also spent some time refusing to answer to anything but Flower. "Catherine Elizabeth so help me if you don't stop cracking eggs on the carpet you're going to have to stand in the corner for an hour." *continues to crack eggs completely unfazed* "Flower stop cracking eggs on the carpet." "Okay mommy."
I was a little bitch.

I think in moving I have felt that freedom and wildness return to me. If I want to do something, who's there to stop me? No one. I love it. It is so liberating. I have so much more optimism. The world is a bright happy place that holds so much potential waiting for me to seize it. I'm remembering that the only real obstacle in getting the crazy things you dream of is yourself.

I'm excited to see how this year goes. It could be a total flop of a year where I get to go to concerts and that's about the coolest thing I do. It could also completely flip my life around if the things I'm cooking up in my head pan out. I so hope they do. This month is almost over. I have eleven more to accomplish a lot. But like the shopping trip Maxim and I took today, time can pass strangely slow. Or like the time it has been since I moved, it could pass amazingly quickly with a fuck ton of amazing memories thrown in. Either way I can't wait for the ride.

So if you are so inclined feel free to call me Flower. Catherine Elizabeth, Catherine Took, Catherine, Cathy, and Cath will also work.

Be free to be yourself. Spread love.

Go. Do.

"Life sucks, then you die." That was a constant refrain in my house growing up. As was, "he who makes the gold makes the rules." I said fuck that to the later of the two much sooner than the former. It took me so much longer to realize that life is what you make it, not the other way around. Life can suck and then you die, but it doesn't have to.

For a long time I believed that my life was just going to be a pile of suck and I was going to live with it. As I have mentioned before, I stopped putting up with one way of suck. But even after I took a run for it (literally), I still didn't truly believe that my life could be so much better. The idea that I really could do anything I wanted if I set my mind to it hadn't fully settled in with me.

It has been one year, four months, and nine days since I bolted and my entire view of the way society and the world should work has changed. If I want something I go for it and do my best to get it. I've never been one to take things laying down. I don't often take no for an answer if there is a wavering yes behind it.

I am young and in my early twenties. This is the time in my life to teach myself to do wild and crazy things. I want to learn bass guitar. I'm now saving up to buy a bass. I want at least one tattoo. I have some plans for some. I want to have an unpredictable style of dress. I have all different kinds of clothes and I'm constantly looking and buying more. I love music and if an artist I love is in town you can best your sweet ass I will be at the show.

My favorite memories are from times I did something I wanted and loved. They're from times I did something spontaneous and crazy with my friends. They're from times I spent the whole weekend doing a range of things that were all very different but all equally loved.

I understand why people do it but I hate hearing people say, "oh I can't I have to do this boring thing that I don't really want to do but someone else thinks I should" or you know something equivalent, and then hearing them wish they could have done it after hearing stories. If you want to do something then DO IT. Nobody is stopping you. It's your life, take control!

The most dangerous thing I did was take complete control of my life and it was the best decision I ever made. Your dreams are your own. Nobody will make them come true but you. "The world is not a wish granting factory." Things mean so much more when you work for them and then can say you did it. You made it happen for yourself.

Life can suck and then you die. But life can also be so much more than that. Fill your life with love, and passion, and struggle, and triumph. Find the beauty in all that surrounds you. Life is only as good as you let it. So let it be everything you dreamed. You're the only one stopping you.

Puppet Show

I know I've talked a lot about my friends lately, but hey I'm 21 they are the most important and influential people in my life right now.

So last night was Ryan's birthday party. We had the party at our apartment and it was great. It was smaller than most of our other parties, but like Ryan said "the important people, the people that matter are here." It was true.

I am an introvert. I don't like large amounts of people. It freaks me out. This was perfect. It had the homey family feel that we used to have day after day at school.

All through the night while talking to different friends the general consensus and topic of conversation was how different things are now from a year ago, but also how much we loved feeling connected again.

This week I had been thinking a lot about how the core of us that do/have stayed connected and in touch really are a family. We knew that this change was coming. People were going off to bigger schools to finish their degrees. I moved into the city and changed my life. We all miss each other like crazy but when it gets really hard we call and talk or Skype.

We came together out of a mutual need for connection and friendship. We all met when we were alone in this new place where most peoples mission was to just get in get out get done. We took the time to get to know one another. We all wanted something more than just someone one to talk to in between classes. We are all really fucking weird. I'm not kidding we really are, but we let ourselves be exposed and vulnerable and we accepted one another.

That's the hardest thing about trying to have some friends who live by those of us who have moved away. Nobody is quite as accepting as we were and are. I love these people and constantly want the best for them. We really did create a family. A real one. How a family should be. It's only going to get hard as time goes on and more of us start spreading out pursuing our dreams but we will always be there for each other. Those of us who let each other in and made a real connection will always have each other because our friendship was formed from something more than being forced into the same space. It was formed from a mutual need, and love, and respect. We are all better and stronger because of it.